SPELLS OF REQUIREMENT / AN ODE TO INEFFICIENCY

Let’s talk about the environmentally friendly conversion of an untapped, readily available source of energy.

Although I’m drowning in images of the horrendous floods threatening the lives of so many people right now, the catalyst for today’s blog is my personal celebration of horrendous customer service on various continents.

It is always the small foxes of repeated irritation that threaten to drown us with their inevitable recurrence.
As visualizing potential disasters could be helpful in averting them,
I’ve spiced this blog with pictures of non-decorative objects – thanks to the creative internet sleuth HELEN BICKERS.

HORROR I
The dripping-tap-torture of unnecessary bureaucratic complications is visiting me in the form of changing bank accounts. To avoid lawsuits I’ll call the bank threatening to rob me of my sanity the Merzgrüftler Spottkasse, abbreviation: MS. It started off very innocently with me needing to insure my bicycle and ended up with me moving my accounts to the charming MS  because the staff was so friendly, helpful and VERY talented at hiding the reality of what I had signed up for. What should have been, according to the friendly staff at MS, a simple procedure, has already cost me an extra 9 precious hours of my life. An urgent phone call this morning added another 95 minutes to my Odyssey MS – AND did not bring me any closer to concluding this fury-inducing situation.

FURY  = UNTAPPED ENERGY

Like a natural birth, one knows that SUCH procedures, duration unknown,
despite empty promises,
Are to be suffered and mastered SOLO.
Likewise, procedures of a bureaucratic nature are to be endured and accomplished SOLO.
If you are very fortunate you’ll have a friend to wipe your brow, make encouraging noises and most importantly,           when it is necessary, tell you to GET-ON-WITH-IT!

SOLO & SHARED SUFFERING = UNTAPPED ENERGY

 

So instead of wasting the natural energy of any rising waves of aggression and sheer bloodlust one is inevitably subjected to,
I am looking for ways to convert the rampant energy of sheer frustration into something useful.
If clever scientists can find ways to convert sunlight, wind, and waves into useful, environmentally-friendly sources of power, shouldn’t we be able to convert the negative energy sometimes spluttering through our veins into a positive, non-threatening enhancement of our daily lives?

A SHORT HISTORY OF PERSONAL HORROR
I fondly look back at the first time an airline lost my luggage…..aaah, the innocence of assuming THIS does not happen too often….the joy of celebrating being reunited with the battered and bruised suitcases ONE WEEK later,  not yet aware that the global airline hobby of sending luggage to alternative destinations would enhance and develop  my survival instincts to the point where I suspect I’d survive if you dumped me in the forest with cabin luggage only right now.

If one travels by DB (our German train system) regularly, one automatically becomes part of an army of travellers, fondly remembering delays, suicides, and the best-of English announcement with the extra-thick German accent. Seasoned travellers can be recognized by how quickly they simmer down from
let’s-kill-the-DB-and-blow-up-the-train!!!!
to
where-is-the-closest-bar-to-trade-war-stories?

To constructively use the energy we so often waste on temper tantrums and shopping, instead of converting them into positive, FREE energy, I have compiled an alphabetical list of spells/chants/mantras to be used for safe energy conversion. If applied conscientiously in conjunction with the user manual, these spells should lower blood pressure, limit outbreaks of anger pimples and strengthen your abs.

USER MANUAL

The following spells may safely be used while driving.                                                                                                                   Most effective if all consonants CRACKLE, SNORT & POP.

BASIC EXERCISE: Pick a letter and spell matching your shoes, the weather & your mental state – take a deep breath – chant 9 repetitions of the chosen spell on ONE breath – roll your eyes once and REPEAT THE EXERCISE  UNTIL YOU CAN FEEL THE ENERGY  CONVERSION REACH YOUR TOENAILS.

WARNING: inserting short, explosive words into spells renders them useless. extending them with words containing more than 8 letters doubles efficiency.

SPELLS OF REQUIREMENT

ABOMINABLY APOPLECTIC ASS (i.e. donkey!) OF AVERSION!
BONEHEADED BRISTLY BEAST!
CRAZED CLUSTER OF CLOYING CUD!
DISGRUNTLED DODO OF A DISAPPROVING DUFFER!
EXPLOSIVE EXCREMENT OF INEXCUSABLE EXASPERATION!
FECKLESS FLOUNCE OF FLATULENT FRENZY!
GRUESOME GIT OF GRISLY GOOF!
HOSTILE HEAP OF HEINOUS HORROR!
INCESTUOUS INTERLOPER OF ILLITERATE INABILITY!
JERKING JOKER OF JEALOUS JABBERY!
KNUCKLEHEADED KLUTZ OF CLAMS!
LOATHSOME, LUBBERING, LAMEBRAINED LUNACY!
MALICIOUS MUFFER OF MEANDERING MORDACITY!
NASTY, NAUSEATING, NEANDERTHALIAN NINCOMPOOP!                                                                                       OBNOXIOUS OBJECT OF OFFENSIVE ODIUM!                                                                                                        PASSIONATE PILE OF PROCRASTINATING PRATS!                                                                                                             QUEASY QUID PRO QUO?                                                                                                                                    REVOLTING RATBAG OF RANK REVULSION!                                                                                                          SENSELESS SLEEZE OF SICKENED SPLEEN-SLAMMING SQUICK!                                                                        TENDERFOOT TWERP OF TUMULTUOUS TENACITY!                                                                                                        UMBRAGE OF UNCTIOUS UNINTELLIGENTSIA!                                                                                                               VACUOUS VEGETABLE OF VINDICTIVE VEXATION!                                                                                                       WORTHLESS WHACK OF WOODENHEADED WORMS!                                                                                                     XENOGENOUS XYLOMA OF XEROXED XYLOCARP!                                                                                                       YOWLING YODLER FROM PLANET YUCK!                                                                                                                             ZEBRAIC ZESTY ZEALOT!

If you don’t know where to start chanting spells try                                                                                                                 SHAMELESS SHIFTY-EYED CHARLATAN!

These spells were tested on 3 humans without any noticeable side-effects. If you experience weird sensations while chanting my spells, please sit down with a cup of tea, buy a dictionary OR new shoes and leave me a comment about your experiences of energy conversion.

 

 

 

 

Having grown up on a farm located in a semi-desert area, I have learned to accept the extremes of
raging fires with the accompanying POP-sounds of little animals not able to escape,
alternating with surprising cloudbursts causing decimating flooding.

As a teenager caught in a cloudburst while out riding I first learned to appreciate available natural protection and inherent survival instincts:
I couldn’t breathe because this heavy cloudburst felt like a sudden dunk into deep water.
My horse, following its‘ natural instinct, stopped dead and tried to hide his trembling head under his belly.
Trusting the natural instinct of the horse, I crawled under its belly so we could shiver and shake out the vicious onslaught of water together.

After what felt like an eternity, the sun leaped out and had the rolling fields steaming with joy in the blink of an eye.
On the long walk home I experienced my first craving to paint my toenails bright pink, put on a celebratory tiara and dance an exuberant reel of gratitude into the sunset.

Now, after decades of nearly compulsively painting my toenails pink,
I can recommend mentally stomping complications into oblivion on a regular basis.

Even if your high heels or heavy boots cannot possibly remove all of life’s problems,
dragging your shoes off your tired feet at the end of another nerve-slaughtering day
and being greeted by PINK TOENAILS
should get your smile back out of the mudslide to where it belongs.

HO JO TO HO!

ANTI-TERROR KATZEN, TEIL I

ANTI-TERROR MAßNAHMEN IM ALLTAG…

Weil wir zur Zeit fast täglich schockiert werden von neuen Terror-nachrichten die drohen uns jegliches Vertrauen in der Menschheit zu nehmen, möchte ich 4-teilig meine Therapie fürs Überleben von
1. Physischer,
2. Politischer,
3. Moralischer, und
4. Mode Gräueltaten & Bedrohungen im Alltag bloggen.

Um sich bewusst gegen Gefahren zu wehren hat man sie frühzeitig zu ERKENNEN,

gut DURCHZUATMEN,

Bewusst leben
(Anti-Terror Aktion) 

 

und dann zu HANDELN

Beim Aufwachsen unter der Apartheits-Regime in Südafrika wurde mir in der Schule ganz selbstverständlich beigebracht wie man auf einen Angriff zu reagieren hat.

Da wurde nicht nur erzählt dass man sich unter Beschuss Richtung Feuer bewegen sollte und hinter einer tragenden Wand Deckung suchen sollte wenn man gerade keine Waffen dabei hatte, OH NEIN! Einige enthusiastischen Lehrer haben langweilige Mathematikstunde erheitert mit: „JETZT WIRD IHR ANGESCHOSSEN AUS RICHTUNG X, LOS!“ Nach so einer gestellten Ueberfall konnten wir dann ganz entspannt kalkulieren welcher Prozentsatz der Klasse im Ernstfall gefallen / verwundet wäre. So gehörte medizinische Verpflegung auch mal zur Mathestunde, und man ist lebenslänglcih auf das Unerwartete vorbereitet.

Meine Kindheitserinnerungen wurden auch geprägt durch schöne Plakate zur Hilfe Erkennung diverser Sprengstoffe und Gifte. Mit solchem Wissen geht man natürlich in der Pause die gewonnene Information nachspielen….

Zurück zur Frage: wie behalte ich, bewusst genießend, mein Vertrauen in der Menschheit?

Außer das Tragen von grenzüberschreitenden Schuhe, ist eine meiner Lieblings-anti-terror-Maßnahmen Friseurbesuche.

Mit Hilfe einer sehr kreativen Friseurin habe ich in Basel ein Haarstil entdeckt den ich bis zum Alter von ca. 110 tragen könnte. Für viele Frauen ist diese Entdeckung gleich eine kleine Portion Weltfrieden „TO GO“. Damit der Stil auch elegant bleibt gehe ich alle 6 Wochen zum Friseur.

So war ich Samstag in einem gemischten Salon wo Männer, Frauen und diverse nervösen Kinder auf einen Haarschnitt und/oder eine Gesichtshaarzähmung warteten. Das Prinzip so eines Salons funktioniert ganz einfach: man meldet sich beim Chef an und wartet bis die Gäste die schon vor Einem da waren glücklich frisiert ins Wochenende abtanzen. Das Gefühl, Teil einer Gruppe zu sein die sich vorübergehend freiwillig der Alltagshektik entzogen hat, entfernt jede kulturelle-, politische-, religiöse- und Geschlechtsunterschiedenheit. Als Nebenleistung darf man erholen vom Stress gesellschaftlicher Zwänge.

Im Hintergrund lief ein Radio mit, glückliche Kundschaft ringsherum bis die Nachrichten um Punkt 10:00 uns das wöchentliche Angebot an Terror noch mal Revue passieren ließ. Die eisige Stille der Hilflosigkeit dauerte an. Der freundliche Chef ging mit ernsthafter Miene vor der Tür mal eine rauchen. Kein Augenkontakt.

Ich fühlte mich Teil einer Trauerfeier, schrieb patetische Emails an Freunde….bis der mutige Chef, fürsorglich lächelnd, vom Rauchen motiviert, mich ernsthaft zum Friseurstuhl gesellte.

Meine Weltuntergangsstimmung wurde an diesem Tag von einer jungen mazedonischen Friseur mit offenem Messer der Vergangenheit gewidmet.

Wir können uns im Leben nicht viel aussuchen. Die Wahl eines Haarstils und welche Bekleidung man sich  auf der einmaligen Haut erlaubt bieten uns aber jeden Tag die Möglichkeit, einen kleinen, sichtbaren Anti-Terror Beitrag zu leisten.

BIRTH, DEATH AND MONDAYS!

We are all looking for some sense of security. Even the simplest appliance comes with some form of guarantee; so we enter this world with only the guarantee that our inevitable birth and death will be celebrated without our awareness.

To enjoy the challenge of what-lies-in-between, why not add MONDAYS to your personal list of necessary celebrations?

The day has had some very bad press, ranging from Garfield’s amusing endeavours to evade the day to Wikipedia’s dry
„A number of popular songs in Western culture feature Monday, often as a day of depression, anxiety, hysteria, or melancholy“ and „More people in England and Wales commit suicide on Mondays than other days of the week.“

I accept the challenge of making the 52 Mondays we are guaranteed nearly every year celebrations of the promise of new beginnings, never forgetting the mirth and misery of the past that colours every sunrise.

Bigger parties than mine were probably celebrated on this day in
-1814 in Milan by Rossini, when his opera „Il Turco in Italia“  was first performed, or in
-1952 in Salzburg by Richard Strauss when his „Die Liebe der Danae“  saw the light of day.

SO: today I will wear dangly moonstone earrings & a mental tiara,
keeping my eyes peeled for kindred spirits also celebrating MAGIC MONDAY.

**************************************************************************************************************************************

To add beauty to today’s celebration of Monday, here the musings of Helen Bickers, a southern belle, on simpler times and serious jewelry from the Arts and Crafts Movement.

After the myriad of styles that marched through the 19th century, some people, bored with the stale pomp of Belle Epoque garland style and tired of what they saw as the over-refined decadence of Art Nouveau, yearned for the simpler times, i.e. the middle ages. OK. So we get the Arts & Crafts Movement. Hey they wanted simple, what could be a bigger simplification than what I just wrote? 🙂

Arts & Crafts jewelry used a wider range of enamel techniques, silver, cabochon and semi-precious stones with a deliberate “hand made”, (pre-raphaelite often anglo saxon) aesthetic, (duh that’s that revolt against the Machine.)

Tired of the table-cut diamond/sapphire/ruby/emeralds of haute joaillerie (the very idea!), artists sought to expand the palette with (for the time) odd, less expensive materials (basically anything not clear, shiny, sapphire/diamond/emerald/ruby) and antique techniques. They wanted to put beauty in the everyday reach of the middle class. The hand of the maker should show, the opposite of mass production. Tumbled stones, odd cuts, rough cabochon, bent wire and canatille work all were grist for the mill.

I think this may be one reason L C Tiffany had Mr Kunz out looking for new gems in new areas of the world. He too ascribed to the A&C ideal of “art in everyday things” but with his big firm and sophisticated clientele behind his genius he was able to simplify things on a grand scale.

A sale catalogue describes Ms. Nossiter’s output: “Dorrie Nossiter’s work is characterised by harmonious clusters of claw-set precious and semi-precious gemstones.”
Clusters for sure, but a lot of her stuff looks like “throw stuff & see what sticks”. Here some of the less egregious:
Jade Chrysoberyl & Zircon

Moonstone, chalcedony & sapphiremoonstone chalcedony sapphire Dorrie Nossiter Arts
 

Varying shades of topaz

The most classic bombast of hers I’ve seen, but in the half tone green-ey yellow-ey shades of prevailing fashion and chandelier drop-sized briolettes:
Pretty out there for the time.
Citrine and Peridot

Moonstones


Sapphires, various cabochon, tumbled & table cut.

Same sort of idea, Tiffany resources:
Star sapphire, seriously baroque pearls & Montana sapphires
BAM

John Paul Cooper 1910 left 
Gee it’s like a movement or something!

Henry Wilson was an absolute master of enamel. His works include the holbeinesque – pared down, simplified pre- renaissance

MAGNIFICENT silverwork
1905 Buckle & Belt

And he moved into more adventurous territory
Wilson’s 1980 “Diana” Tiara

 

THE FAIRYTALE IN YOUR REALITY

REALITY VS. FANTASY
Back at work today too?
Getting back to work after ecstatic holidays gives me the feeling Cinderella must have had when she discovered that her Prince Charming snores and has ugly toes.

One of my solutions for protecting the breathless excitement of holiday feelings from being ground to a miserable pulp by the three D’s of everyday life: drag, despair and disgust, is to regularly change the filter through which I see the daily drudge.

Even changing the perspective on the disappointments one has experienced so many times before could change a heavy frown into an inviting smile. Science 101, filtered through female logic, has repeatedly confirmed that a frown will attract more misfortune and a smile, best shared with friends, is more than likely to result in happily ever after.

If we could visualize the evil that is lurking around us and just waiting to stab the dagger of despair into our unsuspecting happy backs, we are more likely to ride a unicorn to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Suggested know-your-enemy symbols:

  1. Against depression: Cartier 1950 “jester”


2. Against tiredness and unnecessary cosmetic experiments:
This red coral (an A1 field mark of FUGLEE – Roger Tory Petersen Guide to Jewelry) Turk said, “Mirror mirror on the wall…?” and did not like the answer and/or reflection he got.
“By the Prophet’s beard, I could use some dentures!”
Face lifts, implants, injections…I give the END-STAGE BRIDE OF WILDENSTEIN!
FUGLEE end-stage Kardashian

3. Against procrastination:
Half of Laurel and Hardy is all of drunk and disorderly at Mardi Gras.
Yes, the head is wood. Don’t you know that sapphire is SO embarrassed! (Nardi)

4. Against saying YES too often:
Not content with one, Nardi made another, and this one looks so PLEASED with himself! “I am rocking these epaulettes and mandrill’s bottom!”

Old time Star Trek fans will get this: “HARCOURT FENTON MUDD!!!!”
Nardi must have been a Shatner fan back in the day.

AND NOW FOR A TRIP BACK TO JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL:
let us stay open-minded and learn from beauty AND the beast.

Tom Laughlin is BILLY JACK

And history class:

Add to the Twelve Labors of Hercules the Flashing Of The Nemean Lion. Poor Simba probably died of embarrassment, look at his face.
Hakuna Matataaaah flashing heroic Hercules  in a Pokemon arena?

“The War of Jenkin’s Ear” (that’s a real thing, look it up)
Or, looking at the little bells, is it “Festive Spirit of Tinnitus?”

 

In this piece Guernica was probably going for Ferdinand the Bull but got The bombing of Guernica
TO HELP YOU TELL THE BULL**** FROM THE BEEF:

So: as you face the trials and tribulations of another transition from goddess-on-holiday to everyday plain Jane, paint your toenails a bright pink mantra of being joyfully UNFUCKWITHABLElest the winter of discontent devours your holiday goddess for breakfast.

Thanks to Helen Bickers